I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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