well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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