I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
