Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
