i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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