Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
