remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
