its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
