My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
