Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
