Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
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