He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
