JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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