omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
