Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
