This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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