Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Your dad touched me again.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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