Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
