Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
