oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
