I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
