my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
