Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
