She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize