If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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