false alarm. still invincible.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
