I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
