did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
