Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If I die, sorry about rent.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
