seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize