Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
