Can i not drive my cunt home
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
