I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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