Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
