Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
