the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
