I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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