The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
