I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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