This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Randomize
