so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
