Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
