mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
