so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
