I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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