Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
