I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
