girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
