Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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