Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
