Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
