WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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