Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
