listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Im part way to drunk.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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