Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
