you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize